Come along with me now, lets play a game of pretend! Lets pretend I never even knew you, lets pretend I'm a happy person. No scars ever marred this beautiful skin. I'm 100% totally sane and in control.
Lets make believe that things are how it should be. Lets think of things how we want them.
Who ever said the grass was green? I think it's blue. It can be blue because that's how I want it. Don't you want that too? The mind can tell you a million lies, and so long as that's what you want it's how it is. All those smiles are real, everyone has only my best interest in mind. Good intentions rule this world of mine.
Lets play in a world where everyone loves you, everyone sees you. Lets play games in our minds, games of truth and twisted lies.
Lets pretend that rose has no thorns, lets pretend we don't see the scorn. I can't see the blood on your hands, on my own. Because I simply don't want to. It's not blood, but lovely lovely happiness.
Those frowns they give, their secret smiles. Those lying eyes, I'll believe the lies. The hateful words, whispering love in my ears.
Lets pretend that I'm beautiful and they all envy me. Lets pretend I'm an angel who has some form of wings.
Lets believe that time never goes by, that love never flies away. I'll just pretend you actually did care. That I'm a happy happy fool who believes in you. At least that last line was truth.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Old Journal Entry: Reality
The words that are written, simple dreams, wishes, and fantasies. How I wish it was reality. But reality is a vast difference from the words. Reality is set apart from the thoughts, and in those thoughts can be found another type of reality. A reality we create from our hopes, and feelings. A reality which we create to protect our delicate hearts, or fuel our burning anger and rage.
But living in that faux reality isn't quite how it should be. But we cannot live without it either, for if we lived without then we would live lives without instincts or feelings. We would become a simple, mindless personage who cannot comprehend the feelings of others. The feelings behind others and our own choices.
The challenge of reality, of all feelings and thought is simple. Remember both realities, and in so doing create something beautifully real.
But living in that faux reality isn't quite how it should be. But we cannot live without it either, for if we lived without then we would live lives without instincts or feelings. We would become a simple, mindless personage who cannot comprehend the feelings of others. The feelings behind others and our own choices.
The challenge of reality, of all feelings and thought is simple. Remember both realities, and in so doing create something beautifully real.
Old Journal Entry: True Desire
Everyone wants something, the key is knowing how to get it. How far will you go, and how much can you sacrifice? How much do you really want it, and best of all why? Are your reasons for wanting pure enough? Are they genuine and selfless, or selfish? Are the things you want something you can truly desire? Are they worth the desire you have for them? Are they fickle things that wont matter once you have them, or are they things that could stand the tests of time?
Everyone wants something in life, something important and unique only to themselves.
What do you want?
The things you want, truly want, are never changing and always there. The desire is embedded within your heart, it never sleeps, never rests from dusk till dawn. The thought of it brings a peace of mind, a stillness of heart. The desire for it will drive you to it, push you forward, stronger and stronger as you go. And even when accomplished and won, it never leaves, never fades. It carries on, always there, never forgotten, always needed, forever treasured inside it's home within your heart.
Everyone wants something in life, something important and unique only to themselves.
What do you want?
The things you want, truly want, are never changing and always there. The desire is embedded within your heart, it never sleeps, never rests from dusk till dawn. The thought of it brings a peace of mind, a stillness of heart. The desire for it will drive you to it, push you forward, stronger and stronger as you go. And even when accomplished and won, it never leaves, never fades. It carries on, always there, never forgotten, always needed, forever treasured inside it's home within your heart.
Old Journal Entry: Misery
Just because someone is wallowing in their own misery, doesn't mean they see it so. People can create their own personal hell, and not even realize it. They're happy that way, happy being sad, spiteful, or angry. Happy hating the world. Happy in their own pride and misery.
In the end they really are only cheating themselves though. They don't want to reach higher, because to them it's not worth it. They don't want to.
Misery doesn't always seem like misery. It can seem normal, perfect, fine. But what the people who live in their misery don't realize is that yes they are happy, but they could be even happier. They don't realize what they cheat themselves and those around them of. But the ones who DO realize this, and do nothing about it are all the more ignorant. And in their ignorance, lies their ever consuming hell of living in denial. But don't try telling them this, they'll fight you and not believe you and act as if they see what they really cannot.
In the end they really are only cheating themselves though. They don't want to reach higher, because to them it's not worth it. They don't want to.
Misery doesn't always seem like misery. It can seem normal, perfect, fine. But what the people who live in their misery don't realize is that yes they are happy, but they could be even happier. They don't realize what they cheat themselves and those around them of. But the ones who DO realize this, and do nothing about it are all the more ignorant. And in their ignorance, lies their ever consuming hell of living in denial. But don't try telling them this, they'll fight you and not believe you and act as if they see what they really cannot.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Not Your Ordinary Girl: Part 1 - Dresses and Rings
So what with the wedding madness in the air (I know of at least 4 engaged couples close to my age), I thought I'd post some of my own personal girly fantasies on the materialistic side of weddings.
Back when I was younger I realized I wasn't normal when it came to what I wanted in a wedding. I think I realized this mostly back in early yw years when we had our leaders/other ward members show us their wedding dresses. Now I mean NO offense by this, but I just wasn't impressed. While all the other girls where gaga over the dresses, etc, I never liked ANY of them. To me they looked the same, and not only the same, but boring and not any more special then any other dress I'd seen.
See I always felt the wedding dress should be beautiful, breath taking, and different from other dresses. It should be a heavenly dress, a dress which is highly unique, perhaps even highly simple or highly intricate. It should be stunning, other worldy and yet down to earth at the same time. To me it would be angelic even. But even to this day I have yet to see anything awe inspiring, as a girl I've looked at many dresses and dress catalogs and yet none ever strike me.
Other girls have always liked all these different wedding dresses, and yet none of them (as bryce would say :P) speak me.
Then we go onto the rings. I've never been a fan of your typical wedding ring. Every girl I see has your typical wedding ring, I've always thought it boring. Pretty, even beautiful in their own way, yet just boring. Fortunately I HAVE found many amazing and unique rings in my girly searches, but the majority of them do not speak 'normal wedding ring'.
I've always felt like my dress, and my ring should be unique. Unique like me, unique like every woman is. It should reflect me as a person, and unfortunately most 'normal' wedding things are anything but me.
I guess I'm just weird like that, and again I mean no offense to everyones wedding rings and dresses. They REALLY are beautiful and wonderful in their own way, it's just not mine. None of them "speak Emberlee".
P.S. However, I realize i probably will never find a dress that will satisfy me, and most the rings I like i'll never afford. Hmmm knowing me I'll end up in a shot gun wedding, have some random ring and a temple provided dress. Being married and HAPPILY married are the only really important things anyways.
Back when I was younger I realized I wasn't normal when it came to what I wanted in a wedding. I think I realized this mostly back in early yw years when we had our leaders/other ward members show us their wedding dresses. Now I mean NO offense by this, but I just wasn't impressed. While all the other girls where gaga over the dresses, etc, I never liked ANY of them. To me they looked the same, and not only the same, but boring and not any more special then any other dress I'd seen.
See I always felt the wedding dress should be beautiful, breath taking, and different from other dresses. It should be a heavenly dress, a dress which is highly unique, perhaps even highly simple or highly intricate. It should be stunning, other worldy and yet down to earth at the same time. To me it would be angelic even. But even to this day I have yet to see anything awe inspiring, as a girl I've looked at many dresses and dress catalogs and yet none ever strike me.
Other girls have always liked all these different wedding dresses, and yet none of them (as bryce would say :P) speak me.
Then we go onto the rings. I've never been a fan of your typical wedding ring. Every girl I see has your typical wedding ring, I've always thought it boring. Pretty, even beautiful in their own way, yet just boring. Fortunately I HAVE found many amazing and unique rings in my girly searches, but the majority of them do not speak 'normal wedding ring'.
I've always felt like my dress, and my ring should be unique. Unique like me, unique like every woman is. It should reflect me as a person, and unfortunately most 'normal' wedding things are anything but me.
I guess I'm just weird like that, and again I mean no offense to everyones wedding rings and dresses. They REALLY are beautiful and wonderful in their own way, it's just not mine. None of them "speak Emberlee".
P.S. However, I realize i probably will never find a dress that will satisfy me, and most the rings I like i'll never afford. Hmmm knowing me I'll end up in a shot gun wedding, have some random ring and a temple provided dress. Being married and HAPPILY married are the only really important things anyways.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Grey Areas
I traveled though the atmosphere as a wall of feedback climbed
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise
So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply
- Maria Herr "Grey Areas"
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise
So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply
- Maria Herr "Grey Areas"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Resolutions Update!
1. Become closer to the friends that I do have
2. Become a good role-model for my sisters
3. Get some ABS
4. Be happy
5. Continue to become a better person
6. Go on some dates with at least 3 different guys.
7. Perfect my talents, stop hiding them
8. Spend more time with my family
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1. Is going amazingly well, in fact.. too well!! Idk what it is but i'm even having people come to me and try to get closer now instead of the other way around. I have people constantly txting and iming me, it's pure madness! But I love it! I want be friends with people, I want to reach out and touch the lives of others, I want to bring smiles to faces. I want close friends :)
2 & 5. Going good, I'm trying to change my mannerisms. I want to be kinder, and gentler, more loving. But I also want to retain my own outstandish personality, I want to be loud, and crazy, I want to be strongly opinionated. It's hard to balance the two, but I think I'm starting to find my way.
3. Ya.... I haven't even begon on that one.... oooh booooy.
4. Overal I'm pretty happy, but can I stay mostly happy throughout the year? who knows.
6. Welll idk... is tomorrow a date or is it not? It's hard to tell.
7. Eh, I need to pick up a paint brush soon..
8. Me and my fam have been playing rock band together, and yes it TOTALLY counts!
2. Become a good role-model for my sisters
3. Get some ABS
4. Be happy
5. Continue to become a better person
6. Go on some dates with at least 3 different guys.
7. Perfect my talents, stop hiding them
8. Spend more time with my family
______________________________________________________________________
1. Is going amazingly well, in fact.. too well!! Idk what it is but i'm even having people come to me and try to get closer now instead of the other way around. I have people constantly txting and iming me, it's pure madness! But I love it! I want be friends with people, I want to reach out and touch the lives of others, I want to bring smiles to faces. I want close friends :)
2 & 5. Going good, I'm trying to change my mannerisms. I want to be kinder, and gentler, more loving. But I also want to retain my own outstandish personality, I want to be loud, and crazy, I want to be strongly opinionated. It's hard to balance the two, but I think I'm starting to find my way.
3. Ya.... I haven't even begon on that one.... oooh booooy.
4. Overal I'm pretty happy, but can I stay mostly happy throughout the year? who knows.
6. Welll idk... is tomorrow a date or is it not? It's hard to tell.
7. Eh, I need to pick up a paint brush soon..
8. Me and my fam have been playing rock band together, and yes it TOTALLY counts!
Sindrine
We got another hammy today :) THs little cutie is a Roborovoski Hamster. One of the dwarf breeds. She'll only grow about 2" long, so she's quite small!
SINDRI
Gender: Masculine
Usage: Norse Mythology, Icelandic
Possibly means either "small, trivial" or else "sparkling" in Old Norse. In Norse legend this was the name of a dwarf who, with his brother Brokk, made many magical items for the gods.
I used this name when i named her, I simply added an -ne. I pronounce it Sin-dreen
I used this name when i named her, I simply added an -ne. I pronounce it Sin-dreen
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Too Good To Be True?
So at the last dance I met this guy named kyle, he's from Gastonia stake.
What can I say, this guy is just plain amazing. I just don't know how to put it but we just 'click'. I've never met someone I've felt more connected to, not even my old BFF Melissa, or any of my other close friends.
We share so many more interests then anyone else I've met before. We love the same books, movies, and most of all music. We both love many many artists and genres of music, we even both secretly think one or two of madonna's songs are actually good. We both also have our nerdy side, we know what Warhammer 40k is, magic, and D&D and we don't care how 'nerdy' they are. We even share the same kind of fashion sense and like the same types of hairstyles. We both also love foreign film, food, and want to travel in some of the same places. We both also share similar ideals, and experiences. We've both been through the depression fiasco, in different ways but with similarities. He knows what it's like to have those special down days. He also is a guy who likes to cook and sew!! Two things I've always liked... and in a GUY!! He's also planning on helping me learn about guns and shooting, something I've always secretly wanted to learn.
In short, me and him are becoming FAST friends, which actually scares me because I'm afraid it's all too good to be true.
What can I say, this guy is just plain amazing. I just don't know how to put it but we just 'click'. I've never met someone I've felt more connected to, not even my old BFF Melissa, or any of my other close friends.
We share so many more interests then anyone else I've met before. We love the same books, movies, and most of all music. We both love many many artists and genres of music, we even both secretly think one or two of madonna's songs are actually good. We both also have our nerdy side, we know what Warhammer 40k is, magic, and D&D and we don't care how 'nerdy' they are. We even share the same kind of fashion sense and like the same types of hairstyles. We both also love foreign film, food, and want to travel in some of the same places. We both also share similar ideals, and experiences. We've both been through the depression fiasco, in different ways but with similarities. He knows what it's like to have those special down days. He also is a guy who likes to cook and sew!! Two things I've always liked... and in a GUY!! He's also planning on helping me learn about guns and shooting, something I've always secretly wanted to learn.
In short, me and him are becoming FAST friends, which actually scares me because I'm afraid it's all too good to be true.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Down? Not Really.
Everytime I feel like it's my chance, my turn. It turns out for naught, it's really someone else's chance, someone else needs it more. So I'm left giving up what I never had, yet again, and move on.
I move on and learn more, but still wonder, why not me? But in the end, what's it matter anyways :)
I move on and learn more, but still wonder, why not me? But in the end, what's it matter anyways :)
______________________________________________________________________
Soundtrack of my life
______________________________________________________________________
Soundtrack of my life
______________________________________________________________________
Notes: ( ) = english version of foreign song, [ ] = eng translation of song title, 'or' = alt. song
Pt1
1. Brand New Day - Fireflight 'or' Deliver Me - Sarah Brightman
4. Ludi Invalidi (Dangerous and Moving) - t.A.T.u.
7. Goodnight - The Birthday Massacre
8. Breathe No More - Evanescence
9. Polchesa (20 Minutes) - t.A.T.u.
10. Everybody’s Fool - Evanescence
11. Dying In The Sun - The Cranberries 'or' Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Pt2
1. Imaginary - Evanescence
2. Valentine’s Day - Linkin Park
3. Memories - Within Temptation
4. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
5. Are You The One - Within Temptation
6. Empty - The Cranberries
7. Close Friends - Adema
8. Destroy Everything Touch - Ladytron
9. Cry For You - September
10. Gomenasai [sorry, or forgive me] - t.A.T.u.
11. Dust In The Wind - Sarah Brightman
Pt 3
1. Disturbia - Rihanna
2. Stand My Ground - Within Temptation
3. Falling Down - The Birthday Massacre
4. Unbreakable - Fireflight
5. Wild Child - Enya
6. No One Like You - Sarah Brightman
7. Craving - t.A.T.u.
8. Not As We - Alanis Morissette
9. Athair ar Neamh [Father in Heaven] - Enya
Friday, January 2, 2009
7 Resolutions
This year I decided to make some resolutions. I've never made any before, but this year I decided to. As the year goes by I plan on going over the list and making sure I'm following them.
1. Become closer to the friends that I do have
2. Become a good role-model for my sisters
3. Get some ABS
4. Be happy
5. Continue to become a better person
5. Go on some dates with at least 3 different guys.
6. Perfect my talents, stop hiding them
7. Spend more time with my family
1. Become closer to the friends that I do have
2. Become a good role-model for my sisters
3. Get some ABS
4. Be happy
5. Continue to become a better person
5. Go on some dates with at least 3 different guys.
6. Perfect my talents, stop hiding them
7. Spend more time with my family
New Years
So new years was pretty cool. First I went to Bryce's play and then to the stake youth dance, my first dance in over a YEAR! I had blast, I got to reconnect with old friends and made some new ones!
The next day was just as amazing, I spent the afternoon having tea with Pollie and Sister Ridding. Then at 6pm I went to and have spent the night at Anna's house. I didn't get ANY sleep last night and have stayed up talking on im with some friends.
Overal this past week has been great and later tonight I have Stori's b-day party to go to!
The next day was just as amazing, I spent the afternoon having tea with Pollie and Sister Ridding. Then at 6pm I went to and have spent the night at Anna's house. I didn't get ANY sleep last night and have stayed up talking on im with some friends.
Overal this past week has been great and later tonight I have Stori's b-day party to go to!
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