Stress and Depression.

As some of you may know, I suffer from depression disorder. I pop a few pills every day to keep my sanity in check. For several months now I haven't really had any issues with it, I've been living a normal happy life.

Well that's been shot out the window. Recently I've been having difficulties thinking happily, or just simply recognizing my better qualities. I've been falling into my downward spirals of self-hatred and guilt. Blaming myself over silly things, and doubting that I even possess a single talent at all. Overall it's nothing really bad, I've been through a load worse with depression issues, I've gone so far down hill before that I've contemplated suicide... even attempted it. But that's all past now, I'll pull out of this little spell. I also don't want or need anyone's pity, everyone has a hard time with something in life, this is my own challenge and I'm proud to say that I've managed it quite well.

I think one of the big things that's dragged this whole thing out, is realizing just how old I am. I'm 16 1/2, and I need to figure out my college plans soon, and yet I haven't a clue what I want to do with my life in that aspect. I need to get my licensee, and yet the very thought of driving sends shivers down my spine. I also need to apply or a job, yet I'm terrified of the idea of doing so. I'm locking up, feeling inadequate and doubting my own skills. I'm afraid of failure, and in my fear I'm moving nowhere. I'm afraid of embarrassment, of showing just how pathetic my talents really are. I know I have them, yet I'm afraid of showing them because I know they aren't as good as others.

In a sense I suppose I'm like the man in the story I always hear at church, about the 3 men who are given talents. The first man is given 5, he turns them into 10 and God is pleased. The second is given 3 (?) and turns them to 6, and God is happy with him as well. The third and final man is given 1 which he buries and hides, God is unhappy that he didn't cherish and hone his talent and in the end the man has none and the man with 10 now has 11.

When it all comes down to it, I just need to get over my fears.

Lately I've found that I have many friends, yet very few I would consider close. Melissa and I used to be attached at the hip, always with each other, always had each other to lean on. Unfortunately over the past 6+ months Mel and I have drifted apart, and the emptiness that she once filled is sometimes hard to bare. It's hard because I feel lonesome, and yet I know I have a bunch of people around me.

I've also come to the realization that 90% of everyone I'm friends with my age are dating or in relationships. Yet I haven't been on a single date since I turned 16, and in an odd since it both does and doesn't bother me. I don't mind not being in a bf/gf relationship, IMO it's not a healthy thing at this age, very few people my age are TRULY mature enough to handle their own problems muchless someone elses, and relationships like that require you to deal with others along with your own. It's also far too easy to fall into temptations, you can tell yourself 'oh I wont let that happen' as much as you want, but in the end it's usually not so. But fact is, as much as I'm happy to be drama free and not have to worry about a relationship, the lack thereof sort of bothers me. But alas there's not really anything I can do about it.

In all I'm just having a bit of a downer, but I'll pull through. Heh, congrats to anyone who actually read all that. I guess I just felt like posting something a little more personal today :)